ELDERLY LADIES CURSED!
BUFFETS SERVE UP A WIN!
This is it, folks. We’re down to the wire. Four go in, two come out. Check out who’s still standing.
TOURNAMENT WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED TOMORROW!!!
A BEARD OF BEES vs WHEN ELDERLY LADIES CURSE
Dear Elderly Ladies Who Curse,
So you’ve been knocked out of the tournament. Hold your head up proudly today. You had a great f**king run. Don’t let any godd**m b*tches or cheap-a** b*stards tell you any different. If those c**ks****rs try to give you and f***in’ sh*t, tell those pu**ies to shove it up their a**es. Stay cool, you classy m*therf***ers.
Sincerely,
Chip F***in’ Chantry
WINNER: A Beard of Bees
PAINTINGS WITH THE EYE HOLES CUT OUT vs ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BREAKFAST BUFFETS
Dear Paintings with the Eye Holes Cut Out,
It pains me to see you go. I don’t blame you. I blame Al Gore. If he never invented the internet that day, then we’d still need a place to go to stare at things we really shouldn’t. If I could go back in time, and put money into Apple stock, or buy a warehouse full of paintings with the eye holes cut out, I’d buy the paintings with the eye holes cut out. Actually, no, I’d buy Apple Stock. I mean, I’m sentimental, but I’m not an idiot. Although, if I had the means to time travel, I’d have to assume that money is no object. Unless it’s in the future where everyone has a time machine, because time machines are very common, like they’re Dodge Neons in the late 90’s.
And you’d hear this conversation:
“Did you hear about Derek? He got a time machine for his graduation present.”
“Really? That always seemed like a feminine mode of bending the time/space continuum. And aren’t they really cheaply made?”
“Yeah, but the gas mileage is good.”
“Oh, ok. Hey did you heard the new live Blues Traveler album?”
“Who?”
“You know, Blue Traveler- they’re a really popular band these days.”
“No they’re not. This is the future, not the 1990’s. In this vignette, you are comparing a futuristic device with the Dodge Neon, which was popular in the 90’s.”
“Oh, I guess I mixed up the two pieces of the simile with their given time periods.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Sorry about that.”
“Hey man, there’s no need to be sorry. This is the FUTURE!”
“Yeah, you’re right, it IS the future!”
“OK, see you later!”
“Hey, what are you and Lisa doing for dinner on Friday?”
“Lisa’s going to be studying for her finals.”
“Oh, that’s right. Does she like nursing school?”
“She does. It’s just that she never has time to do anything except for school work.”
“But what about your relatively inexpensive and very common time machine? Wouldn’t that solve her time problem?”
“You just blew my mind, man.”
“Ok see you later!”
“Take care, man! See you in the future.”
“The FUTURE? Do you mean NOW?”
“I guess I do! Because THIS is the future, and not the 1990’s!”
Both men laugh, and then part ways. One of them is killed in a hovercraft explosion later that day. It was extremely sad, but there is a very tasteful memorial for him in the hologram gardens for the deceased, across the skyway from the nourishment pellet outlet and the Five Below.
WINNER: All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Buffets
